How did I manage to get here. Don't get me wrong, I was never that organised but this is just simply unacceptable. I can't find my stapler. And without my stapler my papers are all over.

I have only myself to blame. And Mr. T. Yes, I'm heartbroken. And it physically hurts. I've lost him and it hurts like hell. And I know that this is for the best, and the points he made were all valid. He's so fucking articulate and turns me on endlessly.

 

I'm sitting here with my latte and trying to find substitute for my lost love. No, fuck love, more like passion. Lust.   

Part of me thinks he really loved me and he had my best interests in his mind. And then, I think he's the most selfish person I've ever touched. Touched with such a passion. He played with me, I was his doll – and now he got what he wanted and he is bored, and done with. And I still love him, and this I know because I also hate him. It's such a strange balance to have to weigh. 

There's just something I cannot define. He turns me on. And every time I see him all my sensibleness is gone. And oh how much I tried – tried to make sense of the senseless. I "what if" it to death – and now I've ran out of reasons to be sensible.

But I have to convince myself that this is a crossroad and I cannot afford to choose wrong. I have to stop clinging to what I know. I know he's married with a baby. This should mean something to me. This should be a huge NO-NO sign in neon colours. He is NOT going to leave his wife and his baby. Full stop. Not for you. Yes, I do know, and it hurts. 

And it is this dizzy mess that I dance every day, every minute. Just waiting for someone to wake me up, brew me some fresh coffee and say – this is your new. Starting NOW.

Oh well. Maybe world goes on outside my dramas. Maybe my life is not like the movies. Bugger, I kind of hoped it would be something in between of Breakfast at Tiffany's and You've got mail. Would anyone like to sign-up for the leading male role. The position needs to be filled. I'm sure you fill the criteria. Go on, I dare ya.

Am undecided should I go with Ben&Jerry's Chunky Monkey or Phish Food. Tough call, I know. Highly tempted to try both. And for all the possible suitors out there; don't get me wrong, I'm fit and oh so pretty. I just happen to like my sweet really sweet.