Today when I caught my reflection in the mirror, I looked at my image in disbelief. I look miserable, partly because of this terrible flu that's been on for days now.

I look

pale, and I have two half-moons formed under my eyes. My hair pulled back on a mess ponytail tells me, I've spent too much time on bed and watching chick flicks. The lime green woolly jumper that I'm wearing tells me I really need to do some laundry. My overly tight jeans says I've been busy drowning my sorrows into a tub of Ben&Jerry's instead of the treadmill.

Have to be at work tomorrow. I have to get myself together. Enough is enough. Am more than determined to find my inner goddess. You know me honey, it's all or none.

I prefer the way I used to be. So what if I spend way too much money on clothes and worrying how I look. And as shallow as this is, I love the attention I get. I love the way Mr. T, his friends and look at me when I'm all dressed up for them.

 

I love how a woman in her thirties tells me how pretty my dress is and how exotic eyes I have. I love my voice when I carelessly and casually reply "Thank you honey. The dress is DKNY and the perfume is Stella".

 

But this all takes a lot of work. There is a reason why I always wake-up so early or why don't I take a nap with Mr.T. I wake up early so I can go for a run and do my pilates (so that I stay fit and firm), take a shower (shave my legs, put on lotion and oil so that my legs are smoothest and silkiest of a kind), do my long hair (all curly or straight), my make-up (either casual or dressy) and choose my outfit for the day.

So when he wakes up, I'm there all smooth and silky and ready to serve him. And I know that this is far away from reality, but a simple fact also is that men like how women make them feel. The effort needs to be there. I need that effort.

 

Don't get me wrong. I know how vein this all sounds. And I also know that if a woman is beautiful, she can wear a garbage bag. No one is looking at her shoes, and no one cares if it's DKNY. I'm totally planning to be that women one day. But not yet. At the moment, I want to be thin, and spend, what some might consider ridiculous amount of time, making sure I make the most of what I got.

 

I'm off to do my laundry. It's one big overdue task. After that am planning to have a long, heartfelt discussion with self.